| rich rich... |
[19 Oct 2004|11:44pm] |
so this isn't a bad thing - in that i'm not stressed by it.. but you may recall my posts earlier about the crazy things that happen at work?
i have another to chronicle.. heehee
so this guy, T, starts working for us about 2 months ago. Big kid: at least 6'5", easily 350lbs, about 19 years old.
2 weeks into it, he says his girlfriend went into labor that AM, and he can work a few hours, but will need to go after that to see the gfriend. it was a surprise to all of us to find out that his gfriend was pregnant, but hey, it'd only been 2 weeks, right? was at work the next day, baby boy, gave us the weight, etc... all was normal.
over the course of time, he tells many stories that lead us to believe that he is at best a habitual liar. most of these stories involve his love for driving fast (motor cycles or motorbikes, or something), his parents' drug habits, and crashing cars (demolition derbies).
now i know what he makes (wage-wise), and it's less than me, and i can barely make my bills, and sometimes, i can't. so where is he getting the money to fund the cars he buys? who knows? we have suspicions, but oddly, they don't involve him actually getting more money. in fact, we all suspect he's making it allll up. the best was the day he came in with a picture of himself "doing a wheelie" on a motor-bike or something (my terminology is decidedly uninformed). the problem is, the guy in the picture weighed 175lbs AT THE MOST. he claimed it was him... riiight.
mind you, he has yet to bring in a picture of his baby. he lost the pics, he'll bring them tomorrow, he forgot, blah blah blah...
2 mondays ago, he pulls a no-call-no-show. grounds for dismissal, in and of itself. he saunters in the next day, saying he had broken 2 ribs at the demolition derby that Saturday (we later find out the derby was Sunday), and was too drugged up to give us a call. riiight. later he tells a story about having to rescue his dog from the pound for $300 (he was ok to drive to pick up the dog, but not ok to call us... riiiiiight. he lives with his parents, for goodness sake!)
the next day, Wednesday, he calls in to say he's coughing up blood. whatever, dude... then, for the next 8 days, no-call-no-show. i wrote him off (read: fired him as soon as i found a replacement) before the coughing up blood.
And then, Friday, Payday, he comes in, ready to work, saying he had been arrested for speeding, again, but this time doing 227 mph. 227!!!, folks! more than this guy, that's for sure! http://edition.cnn.com/2004/US/09/27/speeding.ticket.ap/
the boy weighs 350lbs! what was he thinking?
and then - this is my fave - he produces a "note" from the police department "excusing him from work/school" because of his arrest. there was no letterhead, he mispelled the name of the county (in which he has lived his entire life), mispelled "aresst", signed the "officer's" name in the classy way a 3rd-grader-learning-to-write-cursive does with lots of loops for each capital letter, and wrote it in Times New Roman, 12 pt font (much like you could if you, right now, opened up Word and began to type)...
because the police give a rat's ass if you miss work/school because you broke the law.
(they also wrote that they were "sorry for any inconvenience" to us - so sweet.)
because it is in any way believable that a 350lbs man could go 227mph on a bike, much less bother to stop for police.
needless to say, he was informed that he no longer had a job with us.
oh, and we all think it's really sad that he made up a "baby" as part of it all... even sadder that he made up (and told us) the fact that his girlfriend cheated on him, not 2 weeks after she had the baby (an OB/GYN/post-partum no-no). we wonder if he made up the gfriend...
oh it is rich.... i get all sorts of stories at work.. all sorts...
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| ok ok |
[04 Oct 2004|09:19pm] |
so i've been shamed into updating by, </a></b></a>![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) inostalgia
i'm not a good updater... i use livejournal for melodrama and purging and confession.
things have been even-keeled of late - or perhaps i am not dealing with the things i should, huh?
oh, the melodrama.
life is goingbetter than, say, that last entry. of course my spacebar is crapping out, making for an interesting read at times. Good luck with all that.
perhaps i will become a better updater. and perhaps not.
since i use it for myself, when i do use it, i always forget to abbreviate entries. sorry if i ever flood your friends pages - you 3 people who read. i know who you are. sort of. in that internet way in which people know each other. which is to say not at all.
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| i can't take it anymore |
[25 Feb 2004|03:16am] |
i have to do it.
work gets more crazy every day.
i have to chronicle it.
in the last 2 months, we have have NOT ONE day in which everyone was there for the whole time that they were supposed to be.
between a stomach virus (hit 3 people); two car accidents ("uh, K*****, i'm in Jersey." "WHAT?!?!?" "my brother took his girlfriend's car, took it to Jersey and got into a car accident" "okaaaaaay"); court date; court date #2, new employee falls asleep at table while working and 2 days later - runs out in the AM to pay a speeding ticket ("i'll be gone about an hour. i'll work an hour later today") and finally calls 2 weeks later to know when she can pick up her check - "what happened?" "i have a lot going on right now. i just found out i'm pregnant" - and she couldn't return to work or call?; newly divorced mom/employee gets call that her 10yr old son has been hit by a car while sledding; furnace dies over weekend at one employee's house and he has to be home to get it checked out and then replaced; same employee decides to move out West to be closer to his son who is going through a divorce; Dr.'s appointments; new employee decides after 3 days that work is too hard and quits; one car accident victim can lift no more than 10 lbs and is virtually useless to us - and her divorce still isn't final after 3 years, but her live-in boyfriend (who doesn't pay rent but gets home cooked meals and a clean house and has his own job with which money he goes paintballing all the time... dude he doesn't have to pay for her 3 kids, but at least some rent?) might leave her for a job offer in FL...
and these are the little things. people, there are only 6-7 employees at any one time... (i keep hiring, and then they just leave - and for once, i don't think it's us...)
BUT TODAY? today takes the cake.
for about 2 months i've suspected that one employee is pregnant (a little belly). so i ask in joking and then recant quickly and backpedal... i wait and watch.. a friend comes in to help with the craziness at work, and says in the first two seconds we are alone, "is T*** pregnant?" i say, "RIGHT??!??!" and felt justified. so i mention it to guy directly under me and he has noticed nothing. the next day a couple of women ask me, and i say nothing, since the suspected pregnant employee has told me that she will call me that night about her doctor's appt the next day. She calls and says yes she is pregnant, baby due about in early JUNE (remember that date!) she says she didn't even think about it until i had said something (WHAT?!?!?!), and that they (she and husband) were concerned because their first kid has a heart defect that they think was not helped by her finding out so late about her pregnancy with him... this would be #3 and they can't afford it, so they were thinking about adoption, but just recently decided to keep it. the next day was to be her first sonogram/ultrasound/whatever, but her MA didn't cover it and she had to reschedule. (please note the missed day of work, contributing to above)
this AM, she calls to let me know that she is cramping and headed to the hospital, worried. (note, missed day of work)
about 10, we get a call - baby boy
healthy, FULL TERM, 7# 4oz.
HELLO? what happened to JUNE? and i quote, "my doctor is a crackpot, i need a new one"
So congrats to them, but WHAT THE!?!?!?!
meanwhile, they are unprepared to have this baby (were thinking it was June at least...), and we have no one in line to temp/fill in/sub for her...
what does tomorrow hold? we will see....
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| the move |
[03 Aug 2003|09:53am] |
so, my roommate of 4 - count them 4 - years has moved out. it's weird...
s has moved in - and she's pretty cool.. it's always weird doing that super polite thing back and forth with someone you don't know anywhere near as well...
so i've been trying to look at all this on the bright side. Change is good for me.. i'm so the creature of habit, that i could never change things.. of course, i don't want to be this way, but i think i might always be a little like my dad... Hence i can listen to the same cd for months... i could never move my furniture... and stuff collects... whew, it can get bad.. :)
But i guess that's the gist of this entire year... taking risks again... if you got through my last post, and are still reading, well, kudos... but yeah, i have to trust God that He is God... regardless of outcome...
So that last post that was so super long - that's the "talk" that i'm giving today. I'm doing my first sermon, of sorts! yikes... it's more of a testimony, but still.. i get up and talk in front of this same group of people every week.. but i guess since the content is personal this time, and at least 20-30 minutes, instead of 5-10, it's a little different... i hope i don't throw up
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| my first "talk" |
[03 Aug 2003|02:58am] |
okies. in it's entirety - so it's REALLY LONG...
So it was about a year and a half ago, at Soo’s Bridal Shower. Amongst the eating and the games, one of the things we were asked to do was write out our favorite bible verse for Soo. This was meant to be an encouragement to Soo – I think they were going to collect them and either share them with her or give them to her or something. Well, here’s the thing. My favorite verse is the last sentence of Esther 4:16 “And if I perish, I perish.”
Hardly appropriate to share as an encouragement for someone about to get married.
And in some ways, I’m sure it is an unexpected “favorite” verse for many, especially a young woman living in wealthy, risk-averse America. I grew up in a nice, safe, church-going family. Mom: nurse; Dad: carpenter; They are still married to each other. One older brother, a dog, cows, chickens, ducks, and a couple of turkeys, all on 10 acres “on the edge of town”, right on the Great Mississippi River in South Louisiana. Like a modern day “Little House on the Prairie.” But rather than the one-room schoolhouse, I was sent to a small, competitive private school full of richer-than-me kids since I was 4: sheltered from that savage life of horrors: “public school”. I made fabulous grades without trying and came to Hopkins, confident in my own abilities to get where I wanted to go, and make myself into the person I wanted to be. I had never really risked anything, nor had I ever needed to.
So, freshman year, I promptly failed Organic Chemistry: “Orgo”.
My first “F” was less traumatic than you would think. Rather, the person it revealed me to be was shocking. I found I actually had limits as to what I could change of myself, and who I could make myself into. I began to see that I was not the super swell person I thought I was.
Meanwhile, I had been involved in a campus ministry my freshman year, but mostly for the fellowship, and only went to church about 5 times that whole year. That summer I reassessed some of the things I was doing, and thought, “If I’m going to do this Christian thing, I had better really do it, or just stop it altogether.” So upon returning to campus in the fall, I started looking for a church. I was going to give it about a year, and if it didn’t work out, I was dropping this whole Jesus thing.
But something funny happened that year. God captured my heart. I began to read the Bible with real interest, not just as a series of boring passages that had nothing to do with my life. The whole concept of a real relationship with a living God, versus a routine life of “doing good things” and going to church because that’s what “good people do” was exciting. And so God made good on a prayer I had said in seventh grade, and my conversion was complete. My relationship with God had finally become more real in a way that had been missing since I said that initial prayer inviting God into my heart. I knew that God was God, that Jesus had died for me and my sins, and that I was going to heaven when I died. But what did that mean for my life in the here and now?
In my reading, I then came across what was to become my favorite verse: “If I perish, I perish.” Let’s read the passage:
10 Then she instructed him to say to Mordecai, 11 "All the king's officials and the people of the royal provinces know that for any man or woman who approaches the king in the inner court without being summoned the king has but one law: that he be put to death. The only exception to this is for the king to extend the gold scepter to him and spare his life. But thirty days have passed since I was called to go to the king."
12 When Esther's words were reported to Mordecai, 13 he sent back this answer: "Do not think that because you are in the king's house you alone of all the Jews will escape. 14 For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place, but you and your father's family will perish. And who knows but that you have come to royal position for such a time as this?"
15 Then Esther sent this reply to Mordecai: 16 "Go, gather together all the Jews who are in Susa, and fast for me. Do not eat or drink for three days, night or day. I and my maids will fast as you do. When this is done, I will go to the king, even though it is against the law. And if I perish, I perish."
What’s going on here, is that the Israelites have been taken over by the Amalekites. And the Amalekite king, King Xerxes had already gotten rid of one beautiful wife for disobeying him. He had no qualms about following the law, even when it came to his wife. Esther was chosen as the new wife, simply because she was beautiful. Esther was Jewish, but she had kept that a secret from King Xerxes, so her presence in the court was unusual. But then, one of the king’s officials, Haman, feels slighted by her Jewish uncle, Mordecai. He gets mad at him, and arranges things so that all the Jews in the land will be “annihilated” – not knowing that this includes the king’s new bride. So Mordecai sends word to Esther, and she balks; she hesitates. He replies, encouraging her, reminding her of what she needs to do.
Now that was really exciting. As we read, she was taking a big risk: anyone who just “showed up” in front of the king, could be killed instantly. That was risky. That was putting her life on the line. It took faith for her to trust that God would be with her whether she was spared or killed. Regardless of the outcome to herself, she was trusting God. And that, people, spoke to me. Was this God that had captured my heart trustworthy? Did He actually know more than me? Could I trust in the fact that His plan was simultaneously good for all as well as just for me? Could I trust God to change me? Could I trust God to make me into that better person I wanted to be?
So for the first time in my life, I took a real risk. If I trusted God, would He work in me as He had for people in the Bible?
So, I actually sat down and prioritized my life:
1. God
2. Church
3. Schoolwork
4. Kung Fu (you can ask me about that one later…)
You see, this wasn’t a life and death situation like Esther’s, but in many ways it was similar. I had never considered making God my top priority, because I thought too much would be required of me. I was afraid of letting go of even some of the control of my life. Just like Esther trusted and had faith in God, I needed to have faith and trust in God, regardless of the outcome to me.
And so I said to myself and to God, if I perish, I perish.
So, I dropped the myriad of other activities that kept me too busy: radio show with my roommate, Peer counseling, Spring Fair Planning Committee. Not because they were bad things, but because they distracted from the things I really wanted.
And because of my commitment, my life changed. The pressure was off me, and on God. I was no longer responsible for coming out ahead, on top of things, and supremely in control of my life. I just responded to the little things God wanted me to do and be. I began to apply the things I was reading about in the Bible, and my life felt internally less chaotic, and more calm. Centered, if you will. I took Orgo again: A; Orgo II: A; Orgo Lab: A, and even became an Orgo Lab TA. God had redeemed it, and taken care of me.
Meanwhile, the church I was going to had this pastor: a stubby little man, who had encouraged me and challenged me to grow in my relationship with God. He even sat me down, and said, “I’ve never discipled a non-Asian over an extended period of time. But if you’re willing, here we go.”
So as I grew in Christ, I came to realize that I came from a unique position. I was smart and talented, good with people. And I understood what it was to be irritated when people spoke all Christianese-y about Jesus and God and being born again, because I myself had rejected the real message of God and the church for years. I had thought that I knew all there was to know about church from growing up in one, but really had known nothing.
I wanted others, who perhaps grew up in church, or thought they knew what Christianity was about to have that chance to see that God was truly real, and vibrant and relevant to their lives. That He was interested in them, and not at all who or what they thought he was. That the Almighty God was cool, that He was accessible, and yet Holy and Good and Trustworthy.
It just didn’t seem fair to God that others were rejecting Him based on their assumptions of who he was, not even informed with much fact about him – just because no one had bothered to show them anything.
So I told that to my pastor, and he got this peculiar, thoughtful look on his face. A short time later, he told me that he and a few others were planning to leave that church, and plant a new one in Baltimore. Did I want to join them?
So I took another risk: After all, I had said, if I perish, I perish, right?
Sucker… I had no idea what I was getting involved in.
But I was excited to be where God was working, and potentially ministering to people: showing them God as I saw Him. And it has been an exciting 6.5 years since then. Some good and some bad. And the good was really good, and the bad was really bad. But here’s the thing: God has always always proved faithful to me. You remember all those questions I had about whether He was trustworthy, and could He change me? No matter how bad it got, or how confusing, somehow, every time, He reassured me that He was there. Money got tight? My parents would send me large chunks of cash without me asking. I’d be lonely, God would send friends to be in my life. But the worst was what I call the Summer of Love. It was the summer we almost closed the church. I felt so alone and confused. But God spoke to me and told me that this time in the desert would end, and I knew then, that He was with me, even in the desert.
So through these years, I’ve been involved in Grace Life in what I could, and where I could. I’ve learned a lot about sacrifice and service and love. And secretly, I would think, nothing would make me happier than to work in the church, serving people, and pointing them to God. But I would dismiss the thought as not possible, because what role could I possibly fill in church that could also pay my rent? I didn’t see anyone in ministry like me. And my inadequacies? I was sure that I would fail myself, others and God, if I were to enter ministry.
And then this whole business of calling? Ministry was hard enough, much less without a proper “calling” from God.
So this spring, when the idea of seminary was brought up, almost in passing, my heart leapt, and I immediately squashed it. I wasn’t “called”. Surely there was nothing I could do with a seminary education. Maybe a few classes here or there, but an MDiv? A Masters of Divinity is a degree that pastors and missionaries pursue. An MDiv? Nah… So I adamantly denied it as an option. As plans for church began forming for the fall, though, I found myself unsatisfied with any suggested role for me within the church. I couldn’t shake the thought of going to seminary. I became depressed (a rare mood for me), and began to seek God for an answer, any answer, to the question of “What should I do? What does God want me to do?” My head would spin with the possibilities, and I would consider every option from every angle, questioning my every motive for wanting to go to seminary or for not wanting to go. I would cry myself to sleep at nights, sad and confused. But as difficult and heartbreaking as all that was, God was still faithful. As I examined my motives for this or that, he stripped away each and every wrong one, until I can without a doubt say that I was left with a true and pure desire to seek him. Just Him. Not even an answer anymore, but Him. And that developed in me a desire to do His work and join Him in whatever, however. And that was good.
But I still had a decision to make. The application was due any day now, and should I do it? Was I called? I hadn’t heard anything from God, so did that mean, the question was really before me? What did I really want? I didn’t want to make a mistake: either jump into something I wasn’t ready for, or miss out on what God was doing. I couldn’t see myself in any capacity in some pastoral role, but the thought of me continuing to do what I had been doing saddened me – because I could see how it would be easy to become even more complacent and comfortable: a cessation of growth. But was I ready for a “life of ministry”? As much as I had learned about trusting God, I found myself in a place again where I believed in my own inadequacies, rather than the God I had come to know and trust.
On a smaller scale, I felt a little like Esther when she balked, when she hesitated with “But thirty days have passed since I was called to go to the king.” She didn’t step up right away. She wavered, and like Esther, I was wavering now.
Two things helped to tip the scales for me. One was a discussion I had with a friend about all of this. She made me realize that I had already committed to a life of ministry with that first risk I had taken – when I sat down and prioritized my life, with God and church first. I had committed my life to ministry then, and that it was just a matter of how that would work out. I had already been called. This was just the next step.
The second was, surprisingly, from the pastor of my parents’ church back home – my old church, where no message had ever really touched me or moved me. When I was there in early June, he gave a sermon essentially about how foolish and foolhardy Peter of the New Testament seemed at times, but how Jesus loved him for that willingness to take risks, even if it got him in trouble at times. And his encouragement to the congregation wasn’t to be stupid for God, but rather don’t be so afraid of messing up that you only take little steps for God. Take major risks for God, even if they end up being foolhardy. Now that may seem a little rash if taken wrong, but to me, it was what I needed to hear. I had essentially paralyzed myself with fear of the unknown and fear of failing God. And what this sermon reminded me was that faith is not only about taking risks, but continuing to take risks even after you fail.
And oddly enough I see some of my struggle mirrored in the passage we read from Esther 4.
You’ll recall that I felt too inadequate to serve in a life of ministry. And this might be a stretch, but I feel that verse 14 speaks to that:
14 For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place, but you and your father's family will perish.
It says two things: If Esther were to fail, by remaining silent, “relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place”. This speaks directly to my fear of failing others with my inadequacies. God will not be thwarted by my inadequacies. He’s too big for that. That instantly took the pressure off for failing outwardly. However, if I were to “remain silent”, and not do this personally risky thing, the rest of the verse says that I and my family would perish. I sincerely doubt that God would “strike me down” for choosing the less risky thing, but rather, I think something inside me would die. I think I would be turning my back on the hope that God could use me – cementing me in my inadequacies. And with the death of this dream, my relationship with God and others would suffer as well.
I also can’t shake the thought of the rest of the verse. “And who knows but that you have come to royal position for such a time as this?” I still long to break through people’s preconceived notions of who God is, and what a Christian is. I still feel that God let me rely on my own strength and my own notions of Him and the church for so long, so that in my life now I would know and understand others who are still in that spot: constantly cynical to God and his relevance to their lives. I want to be used in God revealing Himself to others. This background and this desire, they allow me to hope and to dream, that maybe this is what I am called to do, by my very placement in life.
So what did Esther do?
15 Then Esther sent this reply to Mordecai: 16 "Go, gather together all the Jews who are in Susa, and fast for me. Do not eat or drink for three days, night or day. I and my maids will fast as you do. When this is done, I will go to the king, even though it is against the law. And if I perish, I perish."
You know, Esther wasn’t sure of the outcome. She only knew that she could die. But she had a background, and a position in the court that allowed her the hope that perhaps God would use her, regardless. Her faith wasn’t, “If I step out, God will spare me and my people.” Her faith was, “If I step out, then though I may die, I had trusted God to be God.”
She took the plunge; she stepped off the precipice. She wasn’t stupid, she didn’t do it foolishly. Instead she prepared herself and the others, and got support, but she still did it. And God did honor that by saving her and the Jews.
And so, here I am, again, with another risk. I’ve jumped. I’m taking it. I haven’t even been accepted yet. I don’t know where or how I will land, if I will at all. I’m excited and anxious. A thousand things run through my head at once, trying to assault my peace and shake my trust in God. But in the end, I know that God is with me, and regardless of the outcome, I will trust Him and His promises.
And so, if I perish, I perish.
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[14 Apr 2003|01:14am] |
i feel a little raw.
a little tender
don't speak too loudly to me
my heart might break
i have some big decisions to make. and it makes me cry. i'm not a crier. it's hard to deal with that, too, on top of making the decisions.
i want to sit here in the silence with only the clock ticking. but that will get me nowhere.
i want to sing songs in my head so i don't have to think. but that, too, will get me nowhere.
i don't want to sit here with puffy, red-rimmed eyes, trying to quell the tears only to feel the weight on my chest grow. and my bottom lip trembles like a child, and if i open my mouth at all, it stretches wide a la Julia Roberts into some uncontrollable twisted thing. and that, too, gets me nowhere.
i want to sit off to the side, when in groups, so that people won't take notice of me, and i won't have to talk with them unless i want to. But since i'm not like that, i can't. They'll notice me more off to the side, than in the middle, cracking jokes and whatnot. and then they'll come over and fawn over me, and coo, and ask and delve, meaning well, but never seeing that me talking with them would make me hurt more. they ask till i shut them out and off cold. and then they are hurt. or even if i know them better, it takes too much energy to tell them what they deserve to hear about my life, because they are my friends. And i want them to know. i do. but i'm too tired.
So it's easier to pretend that my mind isn't preoccupied and laugh and joke,
and just cry in the car on the way home alone
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| So, tell me, Hank, why do ya drink? Hank, why do you roll smokes? why must you live out the songs ? |
[04 Feb 2003|03:07am] |
I'm not a drinker, and so many of these lyrics are so cheesy, it's almost unbearable. but, just the same, i am drawn to this song over and over, now that i have my double album of Greatest Hits back. He is just so sad. and i guess self-medicating never goes out of style, huh?
There's a Tear in My Beer
Hank Williams, Sr.
There's a tear in my beer
'cause I'm cryin' for you, dear.
you are on my lonely mind.
Into these last nine beers
I have shed a million tears.
You are on my lonely mind.
I'm gonna keep on (DRINKIN)
until I'm petrified.
And then maybe these tears
will leave my eyes.
There's a tear in my beer
'cause I'm crying' for you, dear
You are on my lonely mind.
Last night I walked the floor
and the night before.
You are on my lonely mind.
It seems my life is through
and I'm so doggone blue
You are on my lonely mind.
I'm gonna keep on (DRINKIN)
till I can't move a toe
and then maybe my heart
won't hurt me so.
There's a tear in my beer
'cause I'm cryin' for you, dear.
You are on my lonely mind.
Lord, I've tried and I've tried
But my tears I can't hide
You (WERE) on my lonely mind.
All these blues that I've found
Have really got me down
You are on my lonely mind
I'm gonna keep on drinkin' till I can't even think
Cause in the last week I ain't slept a wink
There's a tear in my beer
'cause I'm crying for you dear
You are on my lonely mind.
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[01 Dec 2002|10:34pm] |
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[25 Nov 2002|02:13am] |
When God promised the Israelites they would be fed, and then manna fell from heaven, they were fearful and distrustful but knew that somehow they had to believe. There is a bumper sticker floating around town that says, "It's easier to be born again than it is to grow up" — and for a long time I agreed with it. Until I saw that growing up is being born again, that they are one and the same if you seriously know that you just have to believe.
-Aubrey Davis
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| i'm sorry. |
[18 Nov 2002|03:15am] |
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music |
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i want you to radiate. your perfection permeate. Burn in me. |
] |
i wanted to grow up. But i never wanted to get old. not really.
i thought it involved
bills. nine-to-five. drearily trudging through what is set before you. responsibility.
that wasn't my real fear, though.
the real fear is much more simple:
what if there is no chance to say "i'm sorry" such that things are good again?
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[12 Nov 2002|03:25am] |
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music |
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tick tick tick |
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yearning
squelch
brimming
squelch
so much to feel/say/do/draw/feel/see/hear/paint/feel/make/form/shape/feel/
want/need/be/feel/discover/give/learn/feel/dream/have/touch/feel
and if i try hard enough, i can wake up in time to go to work, to go to school, and take no note of it all.
it takes a lot of practice to take even, measured breaths
and feel nothing.
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